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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in aris_journey's LiveJournal:

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Monday, September 21st, 2009
2:48 pm
It's time to make a change
I have come to the conclusion that if my life needs to change I need to be the one to do it. I have sat around far too long waiting for something amazing to happen while I could have been actively changing my future. So now is my time to shine...and I am getting rid of my myspace.

I joined myspace back when there weren't many people on it. Back when it wasn't so complicated and didn't take a hundred years to load. In the fall of 05' I brought a new person onto the myspace bandwagon. It was too hard to communicate on the site we had met on, without paying. Well needless to say, the one who joined just because of me became my best friend, the love of my life, the man I married and the father of my children. He still holds most of those titles today. But as I realized when good things come to an end, you need to let them go because if you hold on too long you will drive yourself insane. I didn't realize that I didn't know how to let go. Until this weekend.

As I packed up the rest of the things we had left down in Virginia, I sat down and thought of who I was and what I really wanted out of life. I want love and happiness, strength for my children and a life that is as wonderful as I can make it. I want someone to come home to, someone that makes me happy to wake up next to. I want prince charming and tho most people say faerietales will never come true, I am and will always be a firm believer in them...I have mad some rough and maybe a few bad descisions in my life but I have learned from them and will never regret all they have brought me.

That being said, it is time to really start letting go, and moving on to create a better place for my kids and I. So just as that first website closed down, and that boy moved away, it is my turn to say goodbye. It has been a really great run on here....But my life has taken a different direction.So thank you for all the love and support everyone has given me through the years, you have no idea how much it has meant to me.

If you want to stay in touch there are a number of ways you can reach me
www.myspace.com/faerietalephotography(this will be up until I can start my own site)
www.facebook.com/starefallenfaerietale (or shaina abbs)
I will not be deleting this journal as it holds so many memories...but I will no longer be writing in it

Goodbye to you

Current Mood: energetic
Thursday, April 30th, 2009
9:07 pm
Kaylin has arrived!
Kaylin Emily Abbs arrived in the world at 10:30 pm. She weighs 7 pounds 2 ounces. More details to follow later.
Monday, April 27th, 2009
1:30 pm
2 days and counting...For REAL this time
Ok so here is the scoop...

First of all let me say im sorry i havent been answering phone calls and just generally ignoring people...I dont love you any less...im just tired and done..I love being pregnant but I am so ready to have my daughter in my arms....which she ISNT yet...so this is whats happening...

Went to the doc on Friday...she was still sitting pretty and nothing was going on...I was frustrated(hence no phones) Went back today and she is in the right position but sitting high up and not wanting to come on down. Doctor said nothing is going on down there still so i have been schedualed to be induced on Wednesday night.

They will do something with something(but no pitocin thank heavens) and I should kick right into labor within twelve hours...so hopefully(barring anything bad happening I should be holding my daughter sometime on thursday....I could kick right in and have her wednesday night...or we may have to get other stuff done and it would be Friday morning...however...within the next two days I will be in one of those ugly hospital gowns walking the halls of the hospital.....now what shall i have for my last meal??!?!??

Thank you everyone for your love and support through this craziness..and I promise to be in better touch(as much as one can be with two under 5) after we are home fromt he hospital.....if you want to know what I need...honestly the best thing is GIFT CARDS!!!!!! When my brain isnt so screwy I will know exactly what to do with them!!!

Love and light

Current Mood: giddy
Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
12:25 am
Where are you little one?
So today is the day...today is the day that she is spposed to be here...but I think she is way too comfy, and being a little bit of a brat...=^D....Sounds like she is turning out like her Mama already.

So this is what I know, She seems to have my nose and Daddys mouth. She seems to have lots and lots of hair...and she does not want to leave the tummy. We had a little bit of a scare yesterday, I was on the monitor and when I had a contraction(and didnt feel it) her heart rate dropped. I was sent over to the hospital to sit on the monitor for about 3 hours. I didnt have another contraction and she was doing just fine. She even seems to like chocolate chip cookies.

So here we are today, I am sitting at home on maternity leave, with big brother Jayson getting ready for little sister to arrive. (though if you ask him he says No baby, No sister..My belly....when you point to my overabundant belly)

I will be honest, I am very tired...and I am eryy done right now. nerves are on edge, hormones racing..and I have no patience. I promise I will tell you when the baby comes, you dont have to ask me everyday how I am feeling. You dont have to ask me if she is here because I promise you will know...

Thanks for your concern, I do appreciate it....and I promise I will be nicer in a few weeks =^D

Current Mood: exhausted
Sunday, April 12th, 2009
3:51 pm
9 days and counting
It as been quite a while since I blogged and I wish I could come up with a good reason. But honestly if you asked me what I have been doing these past 9 months I dont even think Id be able to begin to to tell you. I feel like Dori...my mind is the size of a grape and I cant even remember if I ate breakfast. But all in all it is beyond worth it...

Jayson is wonderful, preparing with me for his sister, as much as he can. He puts his toys away now and throws things in the garbage...he still hasnt once put a marble in his mouth and his fave thing to do in the world is read and cuddle. I never thought I could be so in love with anything in my entire life. And here I am ready to do it again, bringing another one into our happy love bubble. Kaylin is 9 days from being here(give or take how stubborn she wants to be) and I am beyond excited.....and scared......and anxious...

I have finished my phone tree...with everyone that needs to call evryone. Who is most important to be then when I go into labor and it will filter off from there. If you specifically want a call or text message me and ill put your name down(though i honestly dont know who will be calling). I do however have someone that is going to be updating all of my sites so that people will know what is going on.(thanks Jenn!)
Other than that I am taking the day to relax...I have felt very disconnected lately. It has been a whirlwind since I got up here. I have been working like crazy, trying to spend as much time with Jayson as humanly possible and still keep my head straight... the last part is the hardest...

I have found out through ways I never wanted to what true friendship is really all about, I have found out how hard it is to lose the people that you think know you best and gain people that you never thought you would ever talk to in your life.I have found out what the words best freind really means. I have felt more than alone, and more than scared quite a few times. and it hasnt really stopped. I have begun to question everything and everyone which maybe I should have been doing from the start. But my life is about to change all over again and I know I am finally ready to really breathe and move on from the games.

Im anxious...because when Jayson was born I knew where I was going into labor, what hospital I would be at, who would be there and who the first people I wanted to know/see were. Now honestly i dont think I could tell you any of the answers to those questions anymore. Part of me wishes I had started my maternity leave already so I have some time to settle down. But alas...I needed the money too much to do that.

So now comes the rest of the planning, what I still need and what I have to do in order to get everything prepared for my new little girl. I have gotten and influx of wonderful things from amazing people so please please let me say thank you now if I havent or thank you in advance if you are sending something. It means so much that you thought about me and my kids.
I need
burpie cloths
pack n play sheets
nursing bras
nursing shirts
a pump
a baby monitor
and clothes...(its sad when her older brother has more clothes then she does lol)

I am working on getting all of these things but it is slow going right now. I know everything will be perfect once she is in my arms. I honestly cant wait to take that first family picture and introduce Jayson to her. (instead of them beating each other up with only the skin of my belly in between)

My life is about to change, once again, and i look foward to each passing day with my beautiful children. so thus the countdown....9 days....wish me luck =^D

Love and light

Current Mood: indescribable
Thursday, February 5th, 2009
2:26 pm
This is me....The real me...can you handle that
So first things first. I have to apologize if I worried any of you with my rant the other day. Honestly I just needed to get it all out. It was straight from my heart, off of my chest and onto the page. I didn’t mean to frighten or worry any of you. However writing that got me thinking a lot about who I am and what I want in life. Everyone has been so keen on writing the 25 random things about themselves. And as I sometimes give in to online trends I did the same. Well yesterday I decided to add to my list. I wrote everything I possibly thought of about me. Some things people my know and a lot most won’t know. I am honestly just trying to wipe the slate clean. It is a long list so if you feel like reading it all it is most appreciated. It is not consecutive or categorized in anyway. I am not looking for judgment, help or advice. Though if you have felt that way, or think you can help me understand my thoughts it would be most appreciated. I come to you in a place of trust and love…please respect that….So here we go, my original 25 first and the rest. well you’ll see….but this is me…take it or leave it

1. I have a tendency to be overly optimistic and hopeful even in the worst circumstances.
2. I love being pregnant....and though I want to wait a while after this little one Id like to have 2 or 3 more kids
3. I am torn between city and country....New York is the love of my life, but I find myself craving the outdoors and trees and even bugs
4. I tend to reminisce on the past in the most odd of circumstances
5. I have a fascination with serial killers and the holocaust and need to read as much as I can about both
6. I could eat sushi everyday for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy
7. I wish I could go back to school in the real way. Not that I would want to change my life but I wish I had had the experience of dorming and living away.
8. I think there is nothing sexier then an accent...and a kilt
9. I totally believe I should have been born in the 1950's and dated James Dean....or some other hot sexy greaser.
10. I love to write and be creative but I cannot write a script to save my life
11. I totally love to dance, but there has not been one person that can actually lead where I can follow.
12. I want more than anything else to travel the world with my children for a while and then settle down in a nice town and open my own coffee shop...of the old school variety...have it be a gallery for up and coming photographers, and turn into a swanky lounge at night.
13. I think there is something magical and wonderful in everyone, and that they don’t just embrace it when they should
14. I didn’t get my drivers license until about 4 months ago because I never thought I needed it
15. I’m not shallow but I really just cant stand ugly people
16. I have an issue with old tourists and not cute kids....specially when they are together and bugging you in times square
17. It totally annoys me when people don’t use their blinkers...nothing pisses me off more
18. I have a big heart, I trust easily, fall fast and get hurt...but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I truly believe that if you hide what’s inside you will never be truly happy.
19. I have two diagnosed autoimmune diseases.....but I do not consider myself sick and never will
20. My greatest hero came in the form of my Grandma Kay. I have never known anyone stronger, braver, more elegant or more kind then her
21. I have a hard time getting close to females because our brains usually aren’t wired the same way. Though when I find a girlfriend I will do everything in my power to keep them.
22. I am protective, loyal and honest with my friends....they are my world
23. I come from a HUGE family! and no matter what happens in my life they will always come first
24. I believe that I need to travel and show my kids everything I know....and only then will their life be complete
25. There is nothing more in my world that I want other than my kids to look at me when we're older and go....yeah that’s MY mom....and be proud of it
26. Sometimes I want to stay under the covers indefinitely
27. I love with all of my heart but spurn me once and I won’t easily forget it
28. I have hit someone once, and will regret it till the day I die
29. I don’t ever feel like I can say I’m sorry enough, when I have screwed up
30. I love strawberry and pistachio ice cream…but not together
31. If I’m in a crowd of people and I don’t know anyone I am painfully shy; if I do know someone I tend to use all the inside jokes I can think of in order to open up
32. I love being the center of attention
33. I want love and affection….on my own terms
34. I can be incredibly catty and shallow
35. My first instinct is to judge and I do everything I can to fight that down
36. When I pinky swear, I will keep it no matter what
37. When I said I do I meant forever
38. I would love to date a nice guy but I don’t LIKE nice guys
39. There is something about a man in tight jeans a tight white tee shirt and a leather jacket that gets me all riled up
40. I don’t like ramen noodles with broth
41. I’m a city girl but I don’t want to bring up my kids in the city
42. It bugs me when I am on my best behavior and people still don’t like me
43. I’m not a huge chocolate person but chocolate covered pretzels and French friends dipped in chocolate shakes amaze me…there is something about salty and sweet
44. I love just about anything gummi
45. I never really liked cola products till I was pregnant
46. I know no one can take care of my kids as well as I can
47. I have just gotten comfortable with myself naked
48. I have NOT been with as many people and YOU think I have
49. I date bad guys because inside I feel like I deserve the abuse
50. I prefer markers to pens but I prefer gel pens to ball point
51. I don’t use a lot of lower case letters when I write
52. I carry a mechanical pencil everywhere
53. I used to lie…..a lot…and can still recall every detail
54. I hate being lied to and can usually tell when it is happening. The truth may upset me but not as much as if I found out you lied
55. I worry constantly if I am good enough
56. I judge my mothering skills very harshly
57. I worry that I don’t do a good job as a mom
58. As much as I love being with a woman it would take an uber special circumstance for me to be with one forever
59. I still have a 1950’s romantic family scenario that plays in my head
60. I don’t think I deserve to be truly loved
61. I honestly don’t know if anyone has really loved me
62. I am terrified of being a single mom
63. I am not a fan of pizza on a normal basis
64.I cover my face if I know someone is about to embarrass themselves in a movie
65. I have never had a valentine
66. As much shit as has happened between me and some of my friends I would still defend them
67. I used to have an illegitimate fear of penises
68. I love tequila and it has never given me a hangover
69. I wish I knew I was allergic to latex when I lost my virginity….I would have been better
70. I can name all the guys I have slept with in chronological order…….but not the girls
71. I have perverse fantasies that I am too shy to tell anyone about
72. I can be a flirt and a tease but I wont make a first move
73. Most of the people I flirt with I wont hook up with
74. I get tired of people telling me that after I have the baby I will lose all the weight
75. I am tired of people telling me I shouldn’t gain weight in my pregnancy
76. My two touchiest subjects are money and Christopher
77. If I am sad I want to be held
78. If I am angry the worst thing to do is coddle me
79. I love soft sheets and beds you can melt into
80. I miss my Jayson all the time
81. I love nice hot bubble baths
82. I am a big fan of angry sex
83. I do not enjoy one night stands
84. I can’t hook up with someone I don’t mesh with
85. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone with my whole heart again
86. I miss my best friend
87. I will eternally love the food groups
88. I don’t want to rely on someone for my happiness
89. I am scared that my kids and I will be alone
90. I am scared that I will lose them
91. I hate it when things startle me(in a jump out go boo kind of way) I get angry and punchy then upset
92. I can name everyone that has a piece of my heart
93. I fall hard and fast in love
94. I don’t believe you can be in love with two people at the same time in the same way
95. Couples love me but I could never be part of a triumvirate because I'm selfish
96. I’m scared of the dark
97. I cant go to sleep until I've checked on my kids and told them I loved them
98. I was told at the age of 17 that I may never be able to carry kids
99. When pregnant I cant fall asleep until I feel my little one move
100. I have a fear of losing all the people I love
101. I feel if I stop at any given moment life is going to pass me by
102. I honestly don’t know who I want at the birth of my child
103. I hate working retail but Ritz isn’t the worst job out there
104. I feel like I would be a better mom if I were a SAHM or a WAHM
105. I joke about remarrying for money but I wouldn’t do that unless there was love involved because I wouldn’t be happy
106. I probably wont sleep with you
107. I am terrified or PPD
108. I think I have an undiagnosed mental psychosis
109. I will say I love you as much as I possibly can because I don’t think I said it enough to the ones I have lost
110. I can be unintentionally hypocritical
111. I am way too emotional
112. I don’t want to be like my mother when I grow up
113. I want to move somewhere new and start my life over
114. I have never really ridden a horse
115. I have hurt people unintentionally through out the years and still wish I could go back and fix it
116. I think I have made mistakes that have pushed some of the best people I know away.
117. I feel my greatest achievement will be making my kids proud
118. I blame myself for my grandmother dying
119. I hate myself for being sick my entire life
120. As a kid all I wanted to do was go to college; I still want to have a real college experience
121. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had made a different choice; then I feel guilty and get mad at myself
122. I have inherited the mom ability to put the fear of god into bill collectors
123. I honestly had nothing to do with my bad credit
124. I think my hands are prettier with acrylic
125. I am a Faeriephile
126. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up
127. I believe everyone deserves one great romance
128. I regret not sleeping with a Scotsman
129. I have tons of shoot ideas but no camera
130. Parents love me but wives don’t
131. I think love letters are amazing
132. I still have a box of notes from High School
133. I don’t understand why people add you to facebook when they hated you as a kid
134. I get sad and somewhat jealous seeing my ex’s happy
135. Looking at happy couples makes me queasy
136. Kissing my forehead is the quickest way to calm me down
137. I want to be dominated
138. I am a completely different person in the bedroom
139. I love holding hands and making out
140. I hate money
141. I feel the need to travel
142. I am a photographer in my heart
143. I can read 5 books at the same time
144. I AM a larper
145. I love dirty talk but too much of it turns me off
146. Psychological thrillers turn me on
147. I hate scary movies
148. I never know what to call my best friends parents
149. I love to drive more than I thought I would
150. I blow my nose often because I cant stand the sound of sniffling…..or slurping or chewing with your mouth open
151. I have an amazing sense of hearing
152. My son amazes me more everyday
153. I love boys in eyeliner and glitter
154. I enjoy being a fag hag
155. I may never go back to Pride
156. I have fallen for each one of my best friends at least once
157. I don’t need to drink to do karaoke
158. I will watch almost any movie
159. I have a fear of clowns…but not for normal reasons
160. I never feel beautiful
161. I think I have more insecurities than the average female
162. I don’t like to spend other peoples money
163. I have a feisty temper
164. I can be very sarcastic
165. I have a huge family and feel indebted to them. And because of that I feel I cant escape and when I try to I feel guilty
166. I carry way too much on my shoulders
167. I feel like I need to be perfect for everyone
168. Not many people see the real me; most of the ones who have…have broken my heart
169. I am still a hopeless romantic
170. I don’t like silence
171. I cant watch House or other shows like that with kids dying on them….but I watch SVU regularly
172. If I’m at my own house I prefer neat but at my mothers I really don’t care
173. I am angry that I have to rely on other people
174. I am angry for the past
175. I don’t like being angry
176. I blame myself for us falling apart
177. I think my in-laws are angry/disappointed in me
178. I worry that my little girl wont be as loved by the family as Jayson is
179. I have cried at every episode of Greys Anatomy
180. I have lots of journals with only a few pages filled out in each
181. I don’t regret but I have a bunch of what if’s
182. I need a vacation and that makes me feel like a bad mom
183. I try to be friends with everyone even when I shouldn’t
184. I wonder if and how I will ever be truly happy
185.I want to be praised when I do something extraordinary but not criticized when I know I need to improve
186. I have no yet perfected the Jewish guilt trip
187. People pleasers piss me off
188. I want a breast reduction
189. I think its funny that a lot of girls I have been with now claim to be straight
190. I have had too many friend pass away
191. I and a textaholic
192. I ramble when I’m nervous
193. I never intentionally play victim…..I just write to get things off my chest
194. My kids are my life and joy
195. I don’t really enjoy being ultra spoiled…small things matter most
196. I hate cats and cant stand most dogs unless they are mine
197. The sounds of latex and styrafome make me cringe
198. I try not to be a jealous person
199. I believe in finding your soul mate
200. I believe marriage can last forever
201. I don’t like looking in mirrors
202. I used to speak 4 languages
203. I feel like no one listens to me most of the time
204. I make a great scapegoat
205. I hate drama but always seem to be surrounded by it
206. I love dorks
207. I hate doing dishes but love laundry
208. I am a genuinely nice person which always comes back to haunt me
209. I miss Virginia even though I was never truly happy there
210. There are only a handful of people that I wont fight with for doing stuff for me
211. Androgyny is sexy
212. I hate having to ask for help
213. I didn’t mean to push some of you away
214. I prefer film to digital
215. I don’t like peach, watermelon or purple (fake) flavored things
216. I want to be totally enveloped in love
217. I love falling in love
218. I want to be able to give my kids everything they need
219. There is something about cocky guys that gets me all worked up
220. I prefer tea to coffee
221. I like to keep busy at all times
222. I am not a big list person
223. I hate when I am showing someone a move they have never seen and someone else starts talking
224. I am a pause button junkie
225. I don’t like sleeping alone
226. Full Metal Jacket gave me nightmares at 5 years old and I still cant get thru it
227. I can name everyone one of “Our” songs in relation to my ex’s
228. I’m tired of giving 110% and getting less than 20 back
229. I want to kiss a cowboy
230. I am tired of being the one who always has to call first
231. It genuinely hurts me to think that a friends significant other doesn’t like me
232. I feel useless when I cant do anything to help
233. My favorite flavor of Jell-O is green
234. I have tried to make it past the first page of 1984 15 times and still cant
235. I play WOW crossed armed
236. If I don’t hear back from a far away friend that I made the effort to contact I get really upset
237. It makes me smile and cry to see how much Jayson looks like his daddy
238. Every time I go to get the paperwork I feel like I’m giving up on what I believe in and just cant do it
239. I never feel like I will be good enough
240. I’m healthiest when I’m pregnant
241. I don’t think I can ever truly let myself love someone I have met online again
242. I hate flying and have never been out of the country
243. When I feel like my world is crashing down on me I turn into the worst friend ever
244. I cheated once in my life and will always feel horrid about it
245. My favorite Texas Hold Em hand is queen/nine
246. I think my prince is out there but I don’t know if I have the strength to find him
247. I like to read saucy novels that make me smile secretly to myself in public
248. I love New England sports teams
249.I names my son Jayson for a reason and there are only 2 people that can get away with shortening it
250. I don’t mind being in the hospital but I am allergic to anesthesia and I wont let most normal nurses draw my blood
251. Laundromats are therapeutic

So there you have it. I have been through so much and don’t know what tomorrow will bring. But I will never lose hope that it will be better than today…

Love and light
Shaina Rene

Current Mood: calm
Thursday, November 27th, 2008
10:54 am
Just so you know
When you ask me, who I am:
What is my vision? And do I have a plan?
Where is my strength? Have I nothing to say?
I hear the words in my head, but I push them away.

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

And I don't know
What tomorrow brings
The road less traveled
Will it set us free?
Cause we are taking it slow,
These tiny legacies.
I don't try and change the world;
But what will you make of me?

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

With the slightest of breezes
We fall just like leaves
As the rain washes us from the ground
We forget who we are
We can't see in the dark
And we quickly get lost in the crowd

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there's a better place.
I don't know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

Current Mood: content
Tuesday, November 18th, 2008
2:46 pm
Everything and anything
So lets see.....I am back in NYC with Jayson and a new baby on the way. Its been 7 months since I started working at Ritz and I love it! I finally have my license and a car....which doesnt work but I have it.....and yeah..there you go short update...I know I havent been around to post much, I will fill everyone in more later. However I am sending out holiday cards and would love to send you..yes you...one...email meyour address so i can pop those int he mail



Current Mood: bouncy
Sunday, March 30th, 2008
11:49 pm
Quit playing games with my heart
I used to love that song, back in the day when they were cool. In fact I love that song even now and it feels pertinent to post it as the title to my blog.

that statement goes for everyone in my life, my family and my friends. I have slowly been learning that things aren't always what they seem, people aren't always who they are and trust may be given to the wrong people. My life is an open book, I don't hide things from people because I don't feel the need to, so when things I've said or done come back to bite me in the ass I should expect it...But I don't, especially when I don't do anything specific against or about anybody.

Everyhting i tell my friends and family I tell in cofidence and it seems that I have given my trust a little too easily to people I shouldn't. I give my heart even easier then that. I believe honestly and truly that everyone has a good side, even if it needs to be brought out in time. I see the good in people, I see the good in life. i believe giving with your whole heart and loving with everything you have because thats's what you were put on earth to do. Some people find that naive, but I find that it saves me. i would rather love, lose and learn then shut down and wonder for years later what-if. I try my hardest to make everyone happy, sometime's even forgetting about myself in the process. Well i have come to the decision that I can't do that anymore.

I can't be a person to shut people out and just move on, I'm not the type to stop talking to you because I'm mad, and I'd rather hear the truth and work things out then just walk away. These things make me who i am, they are my greatest attribute and my greatest flaws.

I know these things as truth, i am a good mother and a good person, I am a nice person that will go out on a limb for all those I care about. And for all those I love I will stand by them until the day I die. With that said, this is the decision I have come down to:

My friends list is going to be pruned, my posts on here and elsewhere online are going to be few and until I can figure out who is really there I will not be as open with my life. Things are rapidly changing and as much as I want to love I am sick and tired of all the games played. I will keep in touch with those that want to keep in touch with me. As for everyone else, I hope that one day I can get to know you better again. I have enough love in my heart for all of you, if you just let me.

Take care of yourself, and those you care about...

I know I will

Much love and hope to everyone

Shaina Rene

Current Mood: awake
Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
3:11 am
I want you to know who I am
I am a woman

I may not realize how much my worth is but I know I am worth something

I am vulnerable to what happens in the world around me

I feel too much

I love all the time

I don't know what it's like not to hope

I don't know what it's like to give up

I dont' like to feel cold inside

I am caring

I enjoy passion

I am more intelligent then most realize

I am a mommy

I put everyone before me

I don't always seem to listen but i always try and understand

I want you to know my opinions

I love my friends

I love my family

I love life

This just popped into my head, I am so many wonderful things...I feel so much wonderful and terrible in the same. I want you to understand I want you to know that everyone may not be exactly what you expect.....

I want you to tell me how you feel, ask me a question...is there something you want to know...something you want me to reveal...because I am honest and alive and ready to finally let myself be free

Current Mood: accomplished
Friday, February 1st, 2008
9:10 pm
I GOT MY PERMIT...kinda...and Jesus LOVES me!

So the deal is this..i am 24 and grew up in NYC with no need or urge to drive. Because I love the train and walking. I finally after forever went to the DMV yesterday and took my permit test..and FAILED....because of a bogus question that had no right answer....

So I went back today...

AND PASSED...with an almost perfect score.....cept for one thing

My social security card has my maiden name on it and my dependant ID has my married name on it...now my water bill(which I had to bring) has my married name but my brith certificate has my maiden name (obviously)...AND...I had my marriage license with me...

Well apparantly in the COMMON WEALTH of VIRGINIA....they cant accept that and in order to either hyphenate my last names or use my maiden name I would have to take the test again....I said FUCK THAT....and left...so I have my permit...but I dont have my hands on it yet.....guess next week will bring a trip to social security AND the DMV...again....

So after that, as many of you know we have been flat broke...we went to deposit the check that our roomies so lovingly left us before they went away. Christopher had a confused look on his face and when he showed me the receipt it showed that we had MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR RENT!!!! Seems that the Navy gave him his final paycheck!!! ( a month early!)....now the irony....or the fact that Jesus loves me is that I called my Grammie last night(as a last ditch effort to get help) and she kept me on the phone for an hour telling me of the benifits of Jesus and the downfalls of Satan...then she prayed...for another 15 minutes while I was on the phone....before we hung up she said that Jesus will open a door and get us through this...so I guess the nice Jewish man really does like me!!!....

AND....Chrsitopher bought me chocolate roses to celbrate the first of February...ain't he sweet????

So boo to the DMV and Virginia....but YAY to the carpenter and my hubby!!!

Current Mood: bouncy
Sunday, January 20th, 2008
5:36 pm
Im in Rhode Island!!!!!
Hey guys,

just wanted to let everyone know that Im in Rhode Island/Mass for the next few days with the hubby and the baby...I would love love love to see everyone and anyone that i can!!! email me or give me a call...7578483668

Hugs and love
Friday, January 18th, 2008
11:31 am
We went to counseling...finally......and it went well....I dont think I have told anyone about my mood like that and the doctor had sound advice....it isnt my fault, which I knew...the mental instability could be the cause of my thyroid problems. Which is good to know because at least Im not going totally crazy. I cant stop my mind from this tiltawhirl it rides adn frankly it scares me. Hopefully I can get help, and I will and we will and we will be ok...in one way or another. Going home this weekend and maybe for a little longer. Mom turned old and her surprise party is tomorrow. then depending on if we have heard from Mastec, maybe a trip to RI is in th card just so Christopher can see what it really is all about....I need to stop think and start packing....

Much Love

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, January 16th, 2008
6:41 pm
Letters Home
Been a long time since Ive written, so many things that swim through my mind. Silent contemplation gets he best of me and it comes down to the point that I really do think too much. It goes up and then comes down, ebbing and flowing like the water that it is, but is it all too much. Can love really hold together what has slwoly been crumbling? And if it doesnt then what? What happens if the end comes. I gather up and move on like I always have, but to find what I am slowly losing again seems impossible. It was wonderful amazing invigorating, to go back to the days of the notes and cuteness but now its all gone. Did I really cause this or has it built fromsomething that was stirring inside. Luck to me fo the session tomorrow, and I can only pray that it helps. My angel baby keeps my heart light, and is the reasson I can still smile each day. I hope to never lose that, I listen to music from days long past, of elves and cats and fauns and gay boys and so forth and I smile at what we had but weep for the fact that I feel like Im missing out on so much more then people tell me. *laughs* funny how this ends up, you think you have it all when sometimes all you want i s a bottle of wine and a night to think about the past.

Current Mood: melancholy
Thursday, December 6th, 2007
5:55 pm
How many days till the end of the holidays?
Counting down the days *begin rant now*

I feel like I am going through labor again, I hear a little voice in the back of my head going "breathe sweetie breathe, its almost over"...and NO i am not pregnant or in actual pain I am just uber stressed out. I consider myself a moderatly laid back type of person, and things for the most part have been wonderful since I have been back down here. Friendships that I started before i left have grown...Christopher and I are growing together and taking things day by day. Jayson is getting bigger by the moment and is a joy each and everyday. But I am SOOOOOOO tired.

I love my job, I really do but I am just tired of the bullshit drama that it brings, how if i make and executive decision my asst manager overturns it or calls the regional to check. How im called with all the petty shit but the big problems noone lets me know about till i go in the next day. I am working my not visible but magorly substantial balls off to make things run and i just feel like poop. I hardly get to spend decent quality time with my husbanmd and son and as much as I am not one who minds clutter I am slowly watching it pile in my house and its driving me mad. I try to do everything and am still stuck at step one. I step back and take a breath and then another bill comes in, with christmas shopping to do and plane tickets that go up in price everyday i just feel like im in a whirlwind of god knows what and i coutn the days till leave, till after xmas when i get to be with my friend sand family put my feet up and relax....

I miss my friends who seem to have filtered off while i was gone, ones that were ot by their own fault dragged into who knows what...but it makes me feel like i lost a chunk of my heart. I miss my husband and son who I am not getting spend a decent amount of time with. I know now how Christopher felt when he worked all the time, and why we would snipe at each other...its a horrible feeling really...i even miss cooking!

I loved getting back into work, but now i am not allowed to stop because for some reason i stop and it all stops. i have a key few who actually know and care about the job and what they are doing but the rest can seriously jump off a cliff right now. My holiday stuff is still in the attic and i cant lift the boxes, my highlight of last night(which i cried like a wuss for) was the fact that my darling husband sent me a message on Facebook about lighting the menorah with me...my menorah is still in the attic....it makes me want to cry seriously......so i am very thankful for that voice in my head...

"breathe sweetie just breathe"

time to get ready for the command xmas party...pics to come...

thanks for listening to my rant...

much love to all


Current Mood: crazy
Wednesday, November 28th, 2007
11:12 pm
Im BACK!!!
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...I AM AT MY OWN COMPUTER!!!..Thats right folks..the Abbs's of Portsmouth VA are finally online AT THIER OWN HOUSE!!!....with that said...HI!.....missed you all and so forth...things ahve been crazy ever since I got back to VA.

Work is going REALLY really well, and we are actually up from last years numbers by a good 4 grand. I have a wonderful team and I enjoy going to work everyday. It sucks to have to leave my little one but he is always in good hands(mainly his daddy's) it is awesome thast they get to spend time together and I come home feeling accomplished and happier then i did before...

The family is doing well, Jayson finally has two bottom teeth, it is so weird to hear crunch crunch crunch when he is eating and he is almost about to walk and though they arent real words he defiently babbles back out me like we are having a real conversation. In other news...IT"S A GIRL!!!!....nono Im not having ano9ther baby, well not in that way...we just got a beautiful Labrador/bull dog pup named Scarlett....after the great Miss O'Hara...and she is wondeful and pics are to come soon...

Other then that, just getting everything ready for Jaysons first Chanukah/X-mas...our skiing/New Years trip to New Hampshire and the BIG WEDDING...of our wonderful folks in Washington...

Alrite I am going to rant and babble other places now!!!



Current Mood: amused
Sunday, October 14th, 2007
5:19 pm
10 people 10 songs just be
Ive been told to just be...I was sifting through lyrics today and found a few that reminded me of certain people...if you feel like taking a guess go for it...if you feel like guessing the song go for that to....there so much to think about and not enough hours in the day, but if you over think then it takes away from what is....so I will breathe and take the advice to just be....

1. I cant be her angel now
You know its not my place to hold her down
And its hard for me to take a stand
When I would take her anyway I can

2. May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

3. Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you, baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

4. And what you said now
Can't stop the words from running through my head
And what I'd do to get through to you
But you'd only do it again

5. Jenny screams out and it's no pose
'Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited, I haven't spoken

6. But I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

7. So when you feel like hope is gone

Look inside you and be strong

And you'll finally see the truth

That a hero lies in you

8. I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

9. And I dont think I have ever seen a soul so in despair
So if you want to talk the night through
Guess who will be there?

10. Youre thinkin so complicated
Ive had it all up to here
But its so overrated
Love and hate it
Wouldnt trade it
Love me jaded

Current Mood: contemplative
Friday, October 5th, 2007
1:14 pm
Well Now
Jayson and I are up in NY for probably the next 6 weeks. So far we have arrived at my moms house to a lack of ac and its fucking humid...Jayson hasnt slept well because he misses his daddy( I know this...and I try and play old voicemails for him on the phone just so he can hear Chris's voice) other than my possibly busy weekend schedual(wishful think9ing) I am pretty much availible everyday to hang around and catch up with everyone...Things are going ok Im just tried from all the traveling...

Much Love

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, July 25th, 2007
12:59 pm
Whats going on
Im going to try and keep this as short as humanly possible..there is so much to tell...

Firstly...then reason I (and Christopher) have not been online..well we dont have internet, due to some long standing issues, we currently dont have any internet service so I will try to give you as full of an unpdate as I can(and there is always the phone with which you can call and recieve updates as well!!)..

Ok so...Jayson went to the doctor on Friday the 13th and he was 13lbs 10oz and 24 inches long...It has been over a week and I defiently think he is over the 14 pound mark at this point...he has finally gotten over his cold, we are starting him on spooned cereal and he is doing wonderfullly...I can tell that he wont crawl much because as soon as he can balance he will be running around(yay excersize for mommy)

Christopher is working a crazy schedual, he is on 7 days a week with duty every other day at this point..come the first or so that should change back to lockshift and then out to sea at the end of august....needless to say it has been crazy trying to get everything done and spend as much time together as possible(and still fit in friends and such)

As for me, I am currently sitting in my mothers house in queens ny...I have been around since last Thursday though these past couple of day have been kinda crazy...there was the memorial bbq for my Emmett, where I saw a bunch of people and we celebrated and drank and played apples to apples...minor amounts of stress but noting too grand...I have since gotten my nails done and my mom bought me a bunch of new clothes for my brithday..which is wonderful!!!...(or I know it will be tomorrow!)...my schedual the rest of the week looks like this...

Today_V may come over...then maybe off to see my old babysitter on LI then into the city for early birthday clebration with Drewbie

Tomorrow..Hang out at moms, then getting swooped up and brought to nj to celebrate at the Exchange in Rockaway

Friday...Morning at Drews and then Equinox (run by my and Drew on friday..woot!)

Saturday...family BBQ if the weather holds..if not it will be pushed to August and I may stay in nj but I am not sure yet

Sunday-Wednesday(I think) are unplanned as of yet..but remember I have a baby and I dont drive so if you wnat to hang out...we have to work something out...

Then its back to VA and Ill be up again at the end of August while Christopher is away....We love and miss all of you very much and hope to hear from you soon

Hugs and Kisses


Current Mood: cheerful
Friday, June 29th, 2007
12:59 am
I have arrived
Jayson and I are safe and sound in NYC....at the moment I am my moms house by some luck (or just the fact that I have amazing friends who love and miss me) I was able to make it here..the iternerary thus far...

tomorrow morning...up, nails and head to NJ for Equinox

Sunday afternoon/evening head back to nyc to unwind and relax summore

Monday dont know whats going on yet....and Tuesday evening I go home to spend Independance day with my amazing husband...and thus celebrating a year of me surviving Virginia

All is well...it was a long trip and Im kinda broke but I would like to see whomever feels like getting together....

that is all for now...much love to all


Current Mood: excited
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